BY NOW, I’M pretty sure we’ve all had it up to here with know-it-all newspaper columnists wasting valuable print space spouting off phony New Year’s resolutions they have no intention of keeping themselves.
The fact is, the best New Year’s resolutions can provide a shining beacon of humanity by helping others, learning new skills and setting realistic goals for self-improvement.
For example, last year, my New Year’s resolutions were to stop eating and sleeping.
We don’t need the latest economic indicators to tell us that these two activities have simply become too expensive for the American people.
Been to the grocery store lately? ’Nuff said.
Eating is so last century. There could be many reasons for this. Eating has become an environmental nightmare that’s led to the depletion of our nation’s precious topsoil through large-scale industrial farming and increased global warming from the release of greenhouse gasses by the unfortunate livestock we consume.
By discontinuing the practice of eating, we could eliminate the clear and present danger to the future of our planet.
As for sleeping, it’s a waste of a third of our life here on Earth.
By simply foregoing this frivolous down time from our daily lives, we might be able to free up more time to achieve attainable goals that enrich the quality of our lives and benefit society as a whole.
Unfortunately, some expert somewhere has determined that, while nearly half of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, only half of them keep their resolution for 30 days. Only 10 percent of Americans keep their resolutions to achieve their goals for an entire year.
So, it’s not really my fault that I kept last year’s resolutions for less than 24 hours. The fact is, the odds were against me.
I should have chosen more realistic goals for my resolutions, like, learning new skills and helping others.
That really should be at the top of everyone’s New Year’s resolutions list, but this is not a perfect world.
Many people are beyond help or they won’t let you help them help themselves.
Learning new things can be another dead-end road to nowhere, since the more you learn, the more there is to know.
The key to breaking New Year’s resolutions is to learn to forgive yourself, move on and shift your focus to making more attainable goals for the new year.
I’m not about to get sucked into another impossible New Year’s resolution list this year, especially after the shame and failure of my Christmas list.
That was a genuine heartfelt attempt to share the joy of the holiday season that went over like a skunk in the punch bowl.
All I wanted was peace on earth, goodwill toward men and some durable consumer items like duct tape and a heated pole holder — but no.
That’s another column.
This is about making and breaking New Year’s resolutions.
Like the year I was going to learn to speak Canadian. That must have been another case of the eggnog talking.
Little did I know, Canadians have more than 50 different words for ice skating, eh?
Or the time I was going to translate the Washington state fishing laws into English. Yet another impossible task.
Every time I thought I had the fishing laws figured out, they changed them!
The fact is, there is a long list of resolutions I have broken — from patching my leaky boot collection to shoveling out the house to going to the landfill.
But the dumbest New Year’s resolution I ever made was to get better friends.
That’s impossible. Have a happy New Year anyway.
_________
Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.
He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealproductions@gmail.com.
