WELCOME TO THE middle of August.
In answer to the most frequently asked question, yes, the presidential campaign will end before the end of year.
And, yes, the next presidential campaign will begin the day after the election.
And so we mark the milestones of our lives.
Now, where were we before we were here?
Oh, right: We were looking at a couple of scenarios about how many couples go about getting ready to leave the planet.
In the first one, one person is on top of it, so it was basically a checklist to make sure the bases were covered and for the one not-on-top to have some idea of where to start looking or, in many cases, what they were looking for.
The second scenario was about what to do when neither of the two were on top of much of anything and then one has the shortsighted audacity to leave the planet.
That’s ugly, annoying, time-consuming and frustrating — but it’s doable with a small d.
How hostility plays in
So, here’s the third (and final) scenario: Unadulterated hostility.
Listen:
Mr. has had control of the finances for many years and is now suffering from progressive dementia — because that’s pretty much the only kind there is.
There are no kids in this marriage, but Mr. has a daughter from a previous marriage that he dotes on, trusts and shares a multitude of confidences with.
Mr. always assures Mrs. that “everything is taken care of and you’ll get everything that you’re entitled to if I die,” but details are never forthcoming.
And Mrs. doesn’t ask.
Mrs. and daughter-from-previous-marriage (Daughter) aren’t exactly close, but routinely approximate civil.
Mr. dies.
Daughter comes to visit to help out and, in the course of helping, scoops up all of Mr.’s important papers, pointing out that the will that Mrs. has never seen appoints Daughter as executrix, so hang tough and “I’ll figure it all out.”
Mrs., out of grief, shock, naiveté’ and a blinding faith in human nature, goes along with it.
Guess what?
Daughter has all of good-old-Dad’s information, passwords, etc., to the joint bank account and is relieving same of substantial amounts of money on a substantially regular basis.
By the time that Mrs. comes to and can’t see the kitchen table for the medical, hospital and funeral bills and goes to the bank, guess what again?
There’s not much money there, and guess what else we find under the rock?
Mr. has put all of the assets — bank accounts, household valuables, other assets and even the deed to the house — in both his and Daughter’s names, joint tenancy with right of survivorship.
Mrs. is penniless, pauperized and still can’t see the top of the kitchen table.
I’m not making this up. I don’t have to.
How could this have been avoided?
I think that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?
Trust, then verify
Trust is a wonderful thing; knowledge and experience usually underscore trust, right? So … trust, but then verify.
But what does Mrs. do now?
As much as she probably wants to, she cannot and should not cave in.
She needs to get into gear right now because there are probably statutes of limitations that could limit her options and her legal rights.
If there are any important papers (or any papers at all) left, do not throw anything, give anything or send anything away.
And get yourself, Mrs., to an elder law attorney right now.
I know what you’re thinking: “Wait a minute. She’s broke, remember?”
Yeah, I do, so one way to come at it is to call any of the numbers at the end of this column and ask about legal assistance. She might have some choices that she doesn’t know she has.
These kinds of stories almost never end happily, but they can end better (meaning less miserable) than you might expect if you (Mrs.) initiate action quickly.
And yes, the better answer would have been to prevent the whole thing: see the papers, understand the arrangements, pay attention, ask pointed questions and don’t settle for maudlin reassurances, and don’t let any paper off the premises until you’re darned sure you know what they are, what they say and have copies of same.
Look, this is America. It’s a) all about the law, b) money counts, c) no one will take care of you as well as you will and d) gender is no guarantee; Mrs. can pull this off just as well (and just as invisibly) as Mr.
Where does this end?
Love usually prevails
Well, since this is my column, I choose to have it end here: Love abounds and love usually prevails.
The vast majority of us are good, honest, decent people who are doing the best we can.
Business doesn’t come naturally to all of us, but all of this is often not really about business.
It’s about love.
And sometimes love is about taking care of business on a messy planet even if we don’t want to because sometimes, legacy is another word for love.
________
Mark Harvey is director of Clallam/Jefferson Senior Information &Assistance, which operates through the Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He is also a member of the Community Advocates for Rural Elders partnership. He can be reached at 360-452-3221 (Port Angeles-Sequim), 360-385-2552 (Jefferson County) or 360-374-9496 (West End), or by emailing harvemb@dshs.wa.gov.
