SEQUIM — Hank Arnold was a young father at a crossroads, not at all sure he would or could stay on the path of parenthood.
He had two little girls, baby Lily and 3-year-old Nixie.
But Arnold’s life wasn’t going well; he and their mother weren’t together anymore, and financial struggles had forced him to give up his Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
When it came to parenting, “nothing seemed to be working,” he recalled.
Then Arnold, 29, heard about a class offered by Family Planning of Clallam County.
And though he had serious doubts about it — “Fatherhood First” sounded a bit touchy-feely — the tall, thoroughly tattooed biker showed up at the first session.
Arnold told instructor Daryl Trowbridge how skeptical he was about whether the course had anything to offer him.
“Give me two weeks,” Trowbridge replied.
On this Father’s Day, a year and a half later, both men say they’ve learned priceless lessons, not only from the course workbook but also from the other dads who come to class.
Fatherhood First is about learning to connect with your kids, through praising them, showing interest in what they’re interested in, and simply spending time together, Trowbridge said.
And while the workbook is loaded with useful information, so are the discussions the dads get into, Arnold added.
“I’m open-minded for the most part,” he said. “I wanted to go and get educated about what it means to be a dad.”
So when the others started talking about their experiences and ideas, he paid plenty of mind.
“I started finding things out that made sense. I went home and started fathering . . . and everything started morphing into a better situation.”
In the free evening sessions of Fatherhood First, Arnold has learned how to use discipline gently, how to have fun with his daughters, and even how to turn potty training into a game — that works.
The course “made my parenting do a 180 . . . and it affects virtually every aspect of my life,” he said.
“My kids really listen. There’s less tension in the house; I get along better with their mother.”
Trowbridge, for his part, calls Arnold’s journey a transformation.
And he remembers being a young father — his first daughter was born when he was 19 — and feeling ill-equipped to cope with a colicky baby.
Laid off from his job, Trowbridge tried being a stay-at-home dad, but things didn’t go well.
Trowbridge said he had grown up in a household poisoned by yelling fights between his parents. Then one day, his girls, Samantha and Dani, got rambunctious, using their “outside” voices inside the house.
“They were just having fun,” he remembered — then Dad snapped.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Trowbridge shouted.
And an instant after yelling at the girls, he asked himself the same question: “What the hell do I think I’m doing?”
He wasn’t being the kind of dad he wanted to be.
So Trowbridge set about learning another way, studying about parenting, drawing on his faith and seeking help from his closest ally.
“My wife, Liz, was incredibly supportive,” during the learning process, he said.
They’ve been married 22 years now; their girls are grown up and living in Port Angeles.
And Trowbridge went from being a reluctant stay-home parent to home-schooling his daughters through 12th grade.
When the health education coordinator job opened up at Family Planning, he went after it with gusto, largely because it would include working with young fathers.
Trowbridge has no Ph.D. or other initials after his name — just D-A-D, he jokes — but as Fatherhood First facilitator, he continues to teach and learn at the same time.
He’s come to understand that every parent has a “default setting”: how he or she was raised.
“I learned the hard way,” how to get beyond that, Trowbridge said.
In Fatherhood First, he helps dads do it through curriculum and free-wheeling discussions.
Fathers can build strong relationships with their children through refreshingly simple techniques, Trowbridge explained.
Give your youngsters your full attention; express your appreciation for them as people; marvel at what they can do; just spend time together at the park, the beach or going out to an inexpensive place for breakfast once a week.
Saying things like “I am so glad you’re part of my family,” and “Of all the kids in the world, I am so happy you’re mine,” makes all the difference, Trowbridge said.
So does physical contact: hugs, pats on the back, or for teens who don’t want public demonstrations, maybe just a high five.
Trowbridge works with teenagers at the Clallam County Juvenile Detention Center, and hears about their fondest memories: of spending peaceful time with a parent — and not of whatever gadget Mom or Dad bought for them.
Trowbridge also encourages dads to go for hikes with their kids, play Frisbee at the park, even do volunteer work together.
The dads in class range in age from fathers of babies to dads raising teenagers, to grandfathers caring for their grandchildren.
Some, like Arnold, have come back to participate in Fatherhood First a second and third time.
Both Trowbridge and Arnold show obvious joy in the bonds they’ve built with their daughters.
“I’m a good dad now,” Arnold said, adding that friends recently asked him to baby-sit their son.
“They said, ‘You’re the only one we trust to watch him,'” other than family members.
“That was one hell of a compliment.”
The next Fatherhood First class will be offered in August or September on the West End, Trowbridge said. Another will be taught in Sequim in January.
The courses are free thanks to support from the state Department of Health’s Strong Choices Male Involvement Program and the Clallam County Community Network fund.
For information, phone Family Planning of Clallam County at 360-452-2954 or visit www.FamilyPlanningofCC.org.
Trowbridge also urges parents to learn more about how involved dads help their kids stay healthy at www.Fatherhood.org.
________
Sequim-Dungeness Valley Reporter Diane Urbani de la Paz can be reached at 360-681-2391 or at diane.urbani@peninsuladailynews.com.
