GRIEF CAN BE so isolating. After a loss, friends and family often back away—either because they think we need space to grieve, or they simply don’t know what to say or do. To make matters worse, people often expect us to “get over it” on their timeline, not on our own.
Yet the anguish of grief takes its own course. For a time, we are dominated by its waves as they pound us, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Often our reflex is to fortify and resist these waves. In the end, though, our healthiest recourse is to allow the waves to crash and pass through us. Rituals can assist us in this way.
Grief rituals are symbolic activities that help us express our deepest thoughts and feelings about our lost loved ones and provide us a way forward through the chaos of grief.
For some, traditional religious rituals offer comfort and a profound sense of being held in a cultural lineage (e.g., sitting Shiva, attending funerals or memorial services, participating in prayer vigils and rites of committal, etc.).
For others, though, a simpler and more individualized ritual may feel more appropriate. Here are some ideas that may be of help to you:
1. Break out the colored pens, markers or crayons.
Coloring books and coloring pages for adults or children have been proven to be extremely healing for grieving survivors. The coloring of mandalas or repetitive designs has been proven to be therapeutic for the anxiety generated by the loss of a loved one. Coloring in this way helps generate wellness, quietness and a sense of inner peace.
2. Cook the loved one’s favorite meal.
Offer the departed’s favorite meal to friends and family. This “food for the soul” ritual helps promote emotional bonding and healing by sharing a special communal meal that engages the senses. It also helps facilitate the sharing of stories.
3. Host a giveaway potluck.
Host a “giveaway” event of the loved one’s belongings during a potluck-style lunch or dinner. This gives everyone a chance to share the meaning and stories that lie in the loved one’s belongings, creating plenty of space for open hearts and laughs.
4. Carry a remembrance item.
Whether it’s a handkerchief, lighter, watch or piece of jewelry, invite the family to bring their loved one’s favorite items and host a small ritual where each family member talks about what that item means to them. Have them carry the item on them for as long as they’d like, serving as a daily reminder that brings comfort.
5. Join a grief group.
Hospitals and hospice centers often offer free support groups for people grappling with the loss of a loved one. Jefferson Hospital in Port Townsend will be offering such a group. It’s called, “Healing Through Grief,” and it will begin on Thursday, Oct. 6. It will take place on Zoom from 4 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. on the first and third Thursday of the month. This group will run for 12 weeks, getting folks through the holidays and dark days of winter. If you have questions or would like to register, simply send an email to: klore@jeffersonhealthcare.org.
Anyone who has suffered a great loss knows that it’s impossible to “get over it.”
We can, however, learn to “live with it.”
Those waves will smooth out with time, and their force over us will lessen. But only if we give grief the respect it is due. I hope this column offers some encouragement for doing just that.
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Issues of Faith is a rotating column by religious leaders on the North Olympic Peninsula. The Rev. Kate Lore is a Jefferson County Hospital Oncology Chaplain in Port Townsend. Her email is katelore@gmail.com.
