I AWOKE ONE morning with a strange sense that there was someone in the room with me.
Not a real person, mind you, but a leftover image from a dream I was just having.
I pondered it a while: It was male, wore a blue cape and had fangs. “A classic vampire,” I noted to myself.
I wasn’t frightened so much as curious.
As a minister, I am accustomed to unlocking the revelations that symbols, metaphors and parables can bring us.
So, I focused my attention on deciphering any meaning this image might hold for me.
It didn’t take long to realize that this Dracula-like figure represented a member in my family who had been slowly sucking me dry, draining me of immense amounts of emotional energy, patience and money.
Boom! It suddenly dawned on me: This family member, whom I had been trying so hard to rescue, was actually an “emotional vampire” of sorts — not trying nearly as hard as I to turn things in a positive direction.
In fact, it was now revealed as a conscious effort to subsist off of my good will and finances.
I know I’m not the first person of faith to be in this situation.
Figuring out how to best help someone can be tricky.
On one hand, all world religions instruct us to help and care for one another, and doing so brings us deep meaning and joy.
On the other hand, we can unwittingly find ourselves manipulated by the unmotivated, dishonest or self-absorbed with entitlement issues.
The beginning of the new year is a great time to take an inventory of people who energize or drain us.
Following, are examples of the types of emotional vampires that are especially drawn to the kindness of people of faith.
1. The Narcissist
Their motto is always “Me first.”
They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and demand to be the center of your attention.
If you don’t respond, they become punishing or cold.
2. The Victim
They are in constant crisis and it’s never their fault.
They aren’t nearly as interested in finding solutions to their problems as they are in gaining your help, attention and sympathy.
You try to help them but their endless needs feel like a bottomless pit.
3. The Controller
These people can be charismatic at first but then try to dictate how you’re supposed to be and feel.
They often start sentences with, “You know what you need?” and then proceed to tell you.
You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down.
4. The Obsessive Talker
You may wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes.
Or they might physically move in so close that they’re practically breathing on you.
You edge backwards, but they step closer.
You want to flee every time they enter the room.
If you recognize any of these types in your life, it may be time to plan an exit strategy.
Beware that emotional vampires have a flair for turning small incidents into off-the-chart dramas.
One week they have the flu and “almost died.” The next week, it’s a speeding ticket or their car was towed again.
How to Protect Yourself
If you have been helping an emotional vampire for a while, you can expect them to resist your attempts to change the dynamics.
Don’t let this stop you. Set kind but firm limits.
Listen briefly but then say, “I care about you but I can only listen for a few minutes” or “I’ll pray for things to work out for you.”
Be confident with your words and body language.
If the problem continues, consider seeking counsel from your clergyperson.
And, as always, may prayer be your constant guide.
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Issues of Faith is a rotating column by five religious leaders on the North Olympic Peninsula. The Rev. Kate Lore is a minister at the Quimper Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Port Townsend. Her email is katelore@gmail.com.
